I just went to a transgender art show and performace event tonight. there were a lot of yound peoiple there creating art with much. much pain. It made me sad for them.
Teachers need to be gentle.

Hi, my name is Kayla Fruetel; and I would like to start off by thanking Miranda for inviting me here. I'm very excited to see a subject like this discussed; only a few years ago I never would have expected anyone to be talking about this topic.

I'm a 25 Year old Trans woman who lives in central MN. I began finally dealing with my internal identity roughly a year ago now. It was late Feb. of 2012 when I decided that it was effecting my life, as well as interfering with my Marriage at the time. I came to the conclusion that I needed help; professional help and began the search for a therapist who would know how to treat me. I was scared and I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing.

Over the years I had built an incredibly large amount of internal hatred and negativity. I have known what I was for a very long time; though I was not only scared, I even believed some of the things society had to say about us. Watching films like Ace Ventura will make any child think twice about what might happen to them if they admitted this secret to someone. For many years I believed that I could beat this sickness that was inside of me, that through having a strong mind, and will power I would overcome it. I believed adult world would no longer hold these problems I faced, and that once there they would all disappear if I could just make it that long. I struggled with suicide, and even with coming close a few times; I did make it into adult world. Only to find that those feelings I had, they never go away.

When I realized that I had to do something, I knew that it would mean giving up my Military Career in the national guard. It meant the end to my relationship, an end to friendships, and an end to family functions ever being the same again. I saw transition as a last resort. I was and am certain that without it, eventually ending my life would just become the option that was left. My entire world, and my entire perspective on life has changed in just a year. -Kayla

On Nov. 10th 2004 I joined the MN National Guard. I did this for several reasons, I didn't know what else I would do, I would be on my own soon, and also, I thought it might help me be more masculine. It might help "fix" me. Going into it, I never expected how much I would develop a passion for what I did, or that life would take me on the path it would. I was up in Grand Rapids, MN going to ICC in early 2007 when I first found out I was going to be deployed to Iraq. At that time I was considering transition, I had met my first every Trans friend, and she gave me lots of hope and encouragement. I was certain that if I chose to transition I would have to move across the country and just never tell anyone where I had gone. Suddenly I was getting deployed, and I made plans, I was going to do this. I sold my snowmobile, and my truck. Once I made it through Iraq it would be off to stay with my friend.

A lot happened in Iraq, and I changed my mind about how I felt. I decided that I would beat this and I cut my friend out of my life. I came home and now struggled with more than just my Gender. I started school again, lost in life, working two jobs and unsure of what would happen. I found that work distracted me from those constant feelings of discomfort. Not a day would go by that I didn't think about it at least a little. Working, coming home exhausted, keeping myself busy, just as I had in Iraq; I found these things distracted me enough to get by. It was how I coped. Working hard had a bonus side effect, that is, people noticed. During annual training in 2009 I was offered a job to go work as a federal technician. He told me if I applied there would be a good chance I would be hired. I started working as a Federal Technician and continued to do so until July of 2012. Well that was it I thought, You have to hold a position in the national guard in order to be a Federal Technician. So that means no to transitioning.

I met a girl along the way as well. She was amazing, beautiful, and we just got along really well. Eventually we got married. I was living the American Dream. I had a wonderful Career in the National Guard, and my beautiful wife was on here way to becoming an RN. Most men would do anything to have that right? So what was wrong with me, why was I miserable. I would at times feel like my entire life was a lie. This wasn't me and I knew it. I couldn't stand it. All my friends, all these people, and I'm afraid to even say the wrong things around them because they might find out my secret. It just eats at you, day after day after day. You begin to look for options on how to deal with things, and it just goes from bad to worse.

I loved my work, but I knew I couldn't go on like this any longer. When I began to realize that I was actually going to go through with transition, I started planning and asking questions like what are my options for the military. I called a couple different lawyers. I got the same response from each. First off, don't, just don't transition if you can help it. Next was if you are going to, leave the guard quietly because you will not win if you try to stay and fight them. Trans people are not allowed in the military and you will not get a waiver. People have tried. If you want to leave with an honorable discharge, and keep the benefits you have earned as a veteran, just leave on your own.

I couldn't believe it, and only through the advise of other prior military Trans people did I decide to do as they said. I left quietly. I was unemployed from July to only a few weeks ago. There was no unemployment. Just me, going to school, and what little money I got from student loans. I have sold almost everything I owned. I can now fit most of my possessions within my one bedroom. I have watched as my trans friends became homeless, and even come close to facing it myself. It is amazing what you give up for this.

I gained in perspective. I learned about privilege, and became very aware of it when I no longer had it. I am lucky to "pass" most of the time. It grants me freedoms not enjoyed by the trans women whom are not so lucky. But most of all it makes me more employable. I find that looks have played a huge role in my ability to survive in this new world. It effects how people treat you, how they interact with you, and their beliefs about you the moment they meet you.

On occasion someone will figure it out, and you get these weird looks and stares. I'm always just thinking to myself, wow, all of that, and for what, so I can be mocked and laughed at as soon as I walk out of ear shot. FML. I cannot imagine what it is like, and I cannot even speak for those who will never have the luxury of no one questioning their gender at times or all the time. It's why we care so much about pronouns and people using the correct name. If anything it's just out of respect for what we have been through.

I think about What if I would have been able to transition at say Age 7 or 8 when this first became a very serious issue for me? What if I had even done it at age 15 before testosterone had completely messed up my body. Not only would I feel better about myself, and have that many more years to enjoy it. But also I would not have gone through what I did. I would have gone to college, gotten a degree, and be working somewhere. Instead I focused on the military, only to eventually give into those feelings anyways.

What if my parents, my teachers, what if anyone out there had told me it would be ok, that I wasn't a monster. That I wasn't like that guy on silence of the lambs. When I was in school, there was no one I felt I could come to. I'm not sure how how a teacher could have shown that to me, and with the way things were at home it was probably best. I do thin something as simple as a GSA at my school would have at least made me feel less like an outsider.

“allow a transgender student to leave class for restroom/locker room separate from rest of class if needed” – in Physical Education as students must change clothing, this strategy is very helpful for me. I would have to come up with a plan collaborating with teachers before and after my class to inform them. Would this be embarrassing for this student?

No. Collaborating and planning is EXACTLY what would help not embarrass transgender students. It would help the unwatched atmosphere of locker rooms from being a place they could be harassed. The less of a public ordeal a teacher makes of a speciality, the less of an ordeal the students make out of it. However, if a teacher abuses this plan by publicly rolling eyes or simply a distasteful look on their face as a student leaves early, this opens a door to harassment because its clear the teacher is displeased or disagrees.

Thank you Miranda.

This made me sad, and then rattled me: "Eighty three percent of transgender students could identify one supportive educator, and only a third could identify many (6 or more) supportive staff." For real!? And these people call themselves teachers? Teachers are understanding. Teachers protect. Teachers love. Thanks Miranda for the detailed information and effective strategies. I liked the one that talked about avoiding using boys and girls groups. This is important for several reasons in the classroom.

Thanks Kayla for sharing your story and being a part of this discussion. Miranda provided lots of great strategies for in the classroom. Can you, based on your story and experience, think of any other strategies that would be helpful if a teacher has a transgender student? Maybe how to talk to other students about it? (if they find out).

I honestly cannot think of much beyond the not tolerating bullying, and what's been said here. I Think mostly Just teach diversity, teach that people come in all different types, and diversity is good, and there is nothing wrong with it. Teach people to be respectful. Even among adults in general I feel there is a lot people can learn from Trans people. We have the unique experience of experiencing both sides and how people see you and persieve you. Being in the highest priviliage class to one of the lowest privileged classes when you don't pass, and then when you do you find out the difference of privileges between men and women. I think just focusing on the fact we are people, just like everyone else, trying to live our lives. Society tends to make us out to be like objects, or as somehow lesser than human. Try making an emphasis on the fact we are a real person with feelings and not much different than any other can really go a long way I think. I'm really tired at the moment so not thinking clearly. I'll write more when I think of it. -Kayla

Miranda - these are wonderful strategies to use in the classroom. Some of them, such as boy and girl groups, are easily overlooked as something that could be hurtful to a student in the classroom. These are great to know and use someday! I also really like how you posted resources teachers could use if a transgender students comes to them with issues they are having. It's so important for teachers to do research beforehand so that the student knows the teacher does care and wants them to know they have their full support. Students need that in order to feel safe and confident in the classroom.

Kayla, thank you so much for being so open about your story. It is heart breaking to me that you had struggled for such a long time with this without support from anybody. It's so much harder when you feel like you have nobody to support you. Society has made it so hard to be open about who you really are as a person, and it is so upsetting to me, that so many people have to hide who they are because of what other people think. Life is so short, and everybody should be able to live their lives without anybody saying a thing about it. I am so inspired by you in how you overcame so many obstacles in your life and struggled with your identity for so long, but didn't give up no matter how many times you felt you were going to.

Something that I have noticed is the frequency in which people unintentionally disrespect transgender people through what they say. I have been trying to educate myself beyond learning gender-neutral pronouns. I have found and come up with a few strategies for teachers, and perhaps you could shed some light on them for me, Kayla. The first thing I'm a little hesitant about is asking a transgender person questions about their gender identity. Some people say that you shouldn't be afraid to ask questions, and some people say that asking questions could make a transgender person feel uncomfortable. My initial thought would be to ask questions in order to better understand how they wish to be addressed, but I am afraid that this might make them feel isolated. Do you have any opinions regarding this, Kayla?
I found that you should refrain from saying things like "when you were a boy/girl" or "born a boy/girl" because transgender people feel that they were also the gender they identify as. Instead, you should reference a specific time frame such as "when you were a child" or "when you were in high school". Above all, transgender people should be treated the same without any extra attention or without making a big deal.

Miranda, the very first couple sentences you wrote stuck out to me "97 % of transgender people reported being mistreated or harassed at work and 47 % lost their jobs, were denied a promotion, or denied a job as a direct result of being transgender." I can not believe that even adults mistreat/harass their fellow workers at work just becasue they are transgender. You would think that adults would be more respectful of one another's decisions and this breaks my heart that they are not!
Kayla, Thank you for taking time and for sharing, I have learned so much from you and it was really eye opening to me to see your struggles and how the world reacts to them and that breaks my heart.

@Riley Anderson, While I can really only speak from my personal experience, I will try and answer your question in a way that covers everyone. I'll use Trans* when referring to everyone because even the word transgender doesn't really fit everyone who is Trans*. I have seen many different definitions for the word Transgender, and most commonly it is meant as an umbrella term, but it also has a definition of someone who doesn't fall into the gender binary.

If you talk about everyone within the Trans* spectrum. Which would include someone who does drag but still completely identifies as their birth sex and only does it for fun; all the way to someone who truly and deeply believes they were born female but with a deformed body (or male in the case of trans guys) and they also happen to follow societies gender binary social constructs.

The problem with talking about Trans* individuals is we often don't realize how very diverse this group is. Someone like myself whom grew up knowing that my soul was female, and that my body was wrong, is doing this obviously for different reasons than a person who experiences no dysphoria and happens to just like wearing clothes of the opposite sex. This is why I only use the word Trans, or Transsexual to describe what I view as a medical condition that is being corrected, but I identify fully as female. How Trans* people want to be treated or seen is almost as the diverse as the types of trans* people out there.

Some of my friends that I have made, you would never know they were trans if they didn't tell you, even some of their closest friends don't know. They just live like a regular female would and completely avoid talking about the fact they are trans with anyone. Then you have people like myself, where I struggle at times with whether or not I would like to be stealth. I see this as a medical condition that you fix and then move on, but I feel if I am not open, then things will never change.

Other Trans* people I know are much more open. Some don't care what pronouns you use, and you can ask them almost anything. Some people don't claim any gender and just prefer all gender neutral pronouns because they don't feel they fit into either of societies binary choices.

The best way to go about interacting with a trans* individual is use pronouns based on the way they are presenting, or just use gender neutral pronouns. If that person hasn't outed themselves or brought it up, they may feel it's not appropriate or necessary in the given situation. It's so hard to really know for sure, and if you feel it in the situation you need to know, or it would some how benefit; then ask them discretely how they would like to be identified and what pronouns they are most comfortable with.

If you have questions for that person pertaining to them being Trans*, ask them if it's ok to ask them a few questions about it. Keep in mind that this does not however open the door to just asking whatever question you please. Things like "so, what kind of genitals do you have" or "are you getting the surgery" are not really appropriate questions. So if they say yes to answering questions, ask them what kind of boundaries they have in regards to questions.

In a lot of instances I get questions that can very easily be answered in seconds with a quick Google search. I understand that I am likely the first Trans person these people have ever met or interacted with, but please realize that almost every new person I interact with and knows I'm trans asks me about the same 5 to 10 questions every single time. For a while there when I first came out I just wanted to print an informational pamphlet or something to hand out to people.

Really when it comes down to it, as long as people are being as respectful as possible, and you use the guidelines I talked about above, you cannot go wrong. -Kayla

Also thank you to everyone who has read my story. I truly hope it helps in some way for you to better understand and be supportive of people who are Trans*. For a while becoming stealth was all I cared about, but I realized people like myself have been doing that for a very long time now, and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm not always one for the loud and proud approach to things, but sometimes I believe it's the only way our voices get heard. I saw the statistics, I've heard the stories, I've seen first hand what happens to Trans* people all over the country and it disgusts me. It is why I will do whatever I think might help, and your support is appreciated.

If anyone would like to, they are welcome to check out, or join the online facebook group I created. It's called "Minnesota Trans*" and it is welcome to anyone. I'm also working towards starting a Youtube series on topics discussing a wide range of topics in regards to Trans* and LGBT in general. -Kayla.

Miranda... WOW on the guest. I am very impressed with your topic , especially considering your comments in the GLBT discussions. If you continue to collect and synthesize data at the level I see here, you are going to be a spectacular teacher. You get the "Best Guest' award. Could you pass along my comments to your guest? Unfortunately, you did not participate in any of the discussions, even your own, so you will lose points on that.

25 points 1. Research your topic. Use at least FIVE references.
25 points 2. Synthesize your conclusions focusing on SPECIFIC DATA 200-400 words.
5 points 3. YOUR WIKI page has been created. Post your summary, questions, references and lead a discussion. Respond to peers
25 points 4. Prepare your Wiki page for your invited guest You must create a Wiki Account for your guest to provide access.
You earned an 80