Thank you Anne and Desmond for your story. If you don't mind me asking, which country was he adopted from and were you given any warnings as to potential problems you might have? I hear that parents are sometimes lied to about the personalities and potential problems of the children so they will be adopted, did you ever feel like you were misled? Would a heads-up have made you feel more prepared for his unique challenges?

I think that your summary, Dan, and Anne and Desmond's introduction really show how important proper screening and diagnosing is. Ben's story is very sad. Anne and Desmond - I think Dan's topic is important, but I would like to ask you a question as the parents - Do you ever feel like you (not Ben) are part of a marginalized group? That because of Ben, everyone looks at you a little funny? That people are judging you, and not Ben? If so, how do you deal with it? Thank you for being honest with us and sharing your thoughts.

WOW - this is a powerful story and thank you for sharing it with us! What wonderful parents you are to stick with your son and keep working to make school work for Ben. How old was he when you adopted him? Do you have other children and if so, how are they in helping deal with Ben? How do you see Ben's adult life - will he be able to graduate, possibly attend college, and be independent? Again -- THANK YOU for sharing your story!!

Just looking at Maslow'w Needs Hierarchy (Arends, page 142) tells us the most basic need is food/shelter, then safety, and love/belonging. Lacking all of those has got to affect an infant's health and development ... that just seems common sense. And if developmental problems arise because of that, of course their informal education (before reaching preschool/Kinder.) is likely to be affected. Our town has a great Head Start program to help combat this -- I assume it is state wide???

One thing Anne and Desmond didn't mention was they also adopted a girl from China. It would be interesting if they would briefly explain how the two experiences were similar and different and maybe comment on their daughter's experience with her identity and school, and how she handles this situation with Ben,

Anne and Desmond, thank you so much for sharing your story; how fortunate Ben is to have you as parents! My question is, do you have a say in which person at the school works with Ben? Does he connect with one more than the other two? It seems that the right personality connection can make such a difference, I just wondered if you could tell that in Ben. When you have to switch medicines, does it feel like you are starting over and how long before you can tell if the medicine is going to work for Ben?

Your explanation about adopted children was spot on. I have worked with an individual who was adopted from Eastern Europe and expressed traits such as ADHD. Also, due to the condition overseas this individual was behind academically and somewhat socially by approximately 3 years. What would you recommend for this student? Would it be better to start them back a grade to cover the material that they don't have a concept of or mainstream a student and have them try to play catch up every year?

Dan, great story. Thank you to Anne and Desmond. I've heard of a couple stories where the adoptive parents have been dealt a handful. My mom even told me of one set of parents that literally 'sent' their child back. I don't know how that all happened, but you sure do feel for the parents. You have this dream of adopting a child and you live this 'hell on earth'. It just demonstrates that there are no guarantees in this world. I commend you, Anne and Desmond, for sticking thru things. I'm sure it is anything but easy. I have a second cousin who is severly ADHD and I know that his mom is barely hanging on. It's tough.
It would be interesting to hear the differences and similarities between Ben and the young girl from China-

A few months back WCCO had a big investigation into parents who sent their adopted children back to Russia because they didn't like the problems the children displayed. The parents felt that they were misguided as to what they were supposed to get. They had the child for 5 years and it became so unbearable that they requested the adoption agency and child services to remove the child and send him back.

The parents would not be interviewed and the news could not show their faces on TV, but many people in the community knew who it was. Many parents supported their actions and others couldn't believe the vanity involved. Some comments I heard a lady state - "do we get to decide our child when they come out of the womb? We don't get to pick & choose who we become parents to. And it is a child, how can you not just love him?"

Anne and Desmond, thank you for sharing your son's story, and how you help, support and be there for him all these years. As a parent of a son with autism I can relate to some of the difficulties you are going through with your family life and his schooling. I can understand the difficulty of proper diagnosis for your son, like you said his behaviors are associated with ASD, and are quite similar to my son's. At this point, we are also experimenting with a variety of medications, it is hard to find the right treatment and deal with the side effects. A special ED teacher with an adopted son from China told me that her son also have some sensory issues associated with ASD. It seems the institutional settings and the transitions that a young child have to go through are so detrimental.

In response to Genevieve, Lindsey & Elizabeth: Ben was born in Korea and there was nothing misleading in the information we were given about him. He was only 5 months old at the time of adoption so there was no way to know what lay ahead for him. We began to see signs of problems within a few months but what we saw made more sense to us retrospectively, once we had a diagnosis when Ben was 3. I would like to emphasize 2 points: (1) the circumstances of Ben's pre-adoption life might not have helped but they were almost certainly not the cause of his challenges; and (2) while the incidence of health problems, whether physical, mental or emotional. may be higher for adopted children, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that these problems can occur with birth children as well. Ben has a sister 2 years older who was adopted from China. She is as easy and grounded as Ben is challenging. Our greatest challenge has been to provide her with a healthy upbringing in what can often be a very stressful home.

In response to Kevin and Katherine: as a transracial family, Anne and I adjusted early on to stares. I don't know if we are now so used to them that we no longer notice or if people stare less because, in the Twin Cities at least, Euro parents and Asian children have become "normal." When other adults have been present at times when Ben has been out of control (whether strangers in a public setting or members of our extended family), we have sometimes felt we were being judged as being responsible for his behavior. It often seemed to be assumed that we were not strict enough. I have always felt our experience in personal terms and never thought of myself as part of a marginalized group. I long ago learned to attribute these attitudes to ignorance about our circumstances and leave it at that. I should add, as a counterpoint, that we have also had family members and friends that have been very supportive over the years. See my next posting on an entirely different category of people who sometimes witness Ben's behavior (and my responses to that behavior): the police.

We have had many interactions with the police over the years, sometimes they have been called to our home by Anne (when I was not home and she was unable to control Ben) and sometimes they have been called by Ben as a provocation. (I have learned to take an unseen phone off the hook when I suspect he might try to call 911.) In these circumstances the police have almost always been supportive - at a loss for how to deal with the circumstances but wanting to help in a way that will not escalate Ben's behavior. I should mention that I have always been able to handle Ben and, fortunately, I have always made it home by the time, or shortly after, the police have arrived, so I have been able to take control of Ben and reassure the police that he is under control. That doesn't mean they leave but it means they step back and let me lead instead of reacting to Ben's very threatening behavior. (It looks scary when I have him - he threatens to stab and kill me, he tries to choke me, he swings objects at me and feigns punches to my face, but I know it is for show and he has never intentionally really tried to hurt me (although once in a while he has mis-calibrated).) Interactions with the police when others have called them have not always been so simple but almost always I have been able to explain the circumstances and the police have stepped back from hypervigilance (either because of Ben's threatening behavior or questions about why an adult male is restraining a child who does not look like him and who is screaming "let me go"). One large challenge for me: it takes enormous self-restraint on my part not to react to Ben's behavior and there have been times when I have directed my repressed energy toward the police when I was not pleased with their reactions. Unfortunately, what I said to an officer (1 of 6 who arrived on the scene this particular time) led to my arrest and a 24-hour stay in the main downtown Hartford, Connecticut, jail.

In response to Katherine & Brenda: Coping has been easier for Anne and me than it probably is for many families in similar circumstances. First, there are 2 of us; in all too many families with an extreme challenge like this, one parent shoulders the whole burden. Anne and I have always had a very strong relationship and it has never even been remotely shaken by this. Second, Anne and I have always seen our parenting challenges in the same way. Too often, 2 parents have added stress because they each think the other is responding inappropriately. Third, neither of us has mental illness of our own to contend with. Fourth, we have no financial stress in our lives. Fifth, we are both well educated and have been able to seek out help and information as needed. And sixth, we have been able to have a full-time, at-home parent (me) for as long as we have had children and Anne has a schedule that allows her an unusual amount of time at home. That said, there has definitely been a grieving process for us, largely for the family life we imagined we would have but also because of our inability to make it all better for our son (and, indirectly, for our daughter, who has suffered by living in a home with a brother like Ben). There are support groups out there but Anne and I have chosen to deal with our needs largely on our own (together, not individually). We also have had the benefit of a psychiatrist, a terrific psychologist (it took us too many years to find her) and a suppportive school. While meds have not been a panacea, they have been a tremendous help and have contributed a great deal to Ben's greater stability in the last two years. When we adjust his meds, the results are sometimes apparent the same day and sometimes are very subtle and can take weeks to discern, all depending on the med and whether it is fast-acting or needs time to build up in his system. Ben's school has been very flexible about finding who works best with Ben.

This is a moving story. At 5 months of age it would be so hard to say that being in an institution played a significant role in his behavior. I am sure it did on some level, but does a 5 month old even have developed separation anxiety yet? This seems also so much of a nature vs nurture case. I hope that your nurturing can overcome what may well be natural behaviors. Is there any history on the father at all? I may have missed that.
I am also intrigued on the high rate of ADD/ADHD diagnoses coming out of institutionalized children. I honestly had no idea that was the case. Curious to know what kind of vaccines are given, etc in foreign countries. Is that an equally high rate in US institutionalized children?
I think any behavioral problem is benefited by an early intervention program. Learning what are triggers for rage, and how each child reacts to calming tactics. Sometimes it is as much teaching the caregivers to look for clues and strategies, as it is teaching the child how to process feelings and actions.

Finally, in response to Elizabeth: it remains to be seen whether Ben will be able to live independently as an adult. If I project a linear line from where he is today, then the conclusion would be that he will not be able to do so. He only just turned 14, however, and we have seen changes in the past two years that we would not have anticipated if you asked us 4 years ago, so we refrain from conclusions that would be premature. That said, while independence remains a possibility (albeit remote), college seems a bridge too far. To repeat something in my first posting, while many adopted children have suffered severely from their pre-adoption institutional settings, this has not been any part of either of my children's stories.

Do you ever feel like you (not Ben) are part of a marginalized group? That because of Ben, everyone looks at you a little funny? That people are judging you, and not Ben? If so, how do you deal with it? Thank you for being honest with us and sharing your thoughts.

Anne & Desmond,
Thank you for being part of our discussion and allowing us to learn from your family's experiences. How did you feel when the mainstream schools could not properly care or educate Ben? Do you feel that mainstream schools are adequately equipped to provide proper education for autistic students?

Desmond, thank you for the great stories - if you need any of my help this week, I am available. Just a quick question from me - What does your daughter do to help her cope with your family situation? How does she feel about Ben - scared, understanding, frustration, all of the above, and to what extent?

Desmond- thank you, thank you. Your story has been very informative to many of us future teachers. I've appreciated your honesty and insight. Especially when you spoke of how you and your wife were learning about Ben just as the teachers in school were so you don't hold resentment towards them. It is always so easy for people to point fingers instead of having an approach of understanding and empathy. It's great to hear how you've been able to adapt with your daughter's needs also. Moving her to a smaller school now was very important, I imagine. And thank goodness you aren't so overly consumed with Ben that your daughter gets ignored. That would be so easy to naturally do. I'm sure this has taken a toll on your daughter as well. It is what you take from these situations and decide to do with them that is crucial. Your daughter could have chosen to be an angry girl full of resentment. Your story has been very enlightening...thank you.

As a future Special Educator I'm curious about Ben's previous teachers. Do you think they could've done things differently to keep Ben at the first (or second) school? Or do you think it's the specialized program that's really working.

You are truly wonderful people and if you believe in a higher power, I hope you feel comfort and guidance dealing each day with your challenges. I also hope to be a Special Education teacher in the future and hope I can assist children AND the parents -- the entire family needs resources. I am glad you live in a location to be able to find a setting your son can attend and do not live in a rural location like I do (near the Canadian border). Bless you each and every day!

Why did you choose to adopt from the countries that you did and how difficult was the process as compared to the US? There are a lot of children in the US that need a home too. What were some of the good experiences you had in the process. Would you do it again for either country if you could start over? Does the US have any special programs for children adopted abroad - in other word, are your children considered minorities? Can benefit from minority- based programs such as affirmative action or ant I cannot think of at this time?

There are no government programs I am aware of that promote international adoption. Whether my children are consider minorities would depend on what is being asked. In racial terms, my children - and all children who are not of European origin - are indisputably minorities in this country. But it is not that simple because, culturally, my children are part of the dominant, Euro-based culture in America. If you are asking, "are my children entitled to affirmative-action-type programs, the answer is "no," but not because of anything to do with their race, the country of their births, or the fact that they were adopted. The reason is because they have grown up with every possible advantage and don't need help. I fully support programs that are targeted to help those who are disadvantaged by America's deeply entrenched history of racism but it would be as inappropriate (and unethical) for my children to take advantage of these programs as it would be for any White American to do so.

Dear Desmond and Anne. I am so very grateful that you were willing to share your story with our teacher candidates and agreed to spend time answering our questions. Thank you so very much. This discussion will stay open for access to future students and will inform them to better serve THEIR students.

Dan...Excellent effort on this assignment. I would like to see you add an image on the splash page here and link to a bio of you so I can use it for a student exemplar.
1. Research your topic. Use at least FIVE references 25 points
2. Synthesize your conclusions 25 points
3. Discussion. Respond to peers. 25 points
4. Guest 25 points